Unbelong

loosing faith... loosing faith...

NO... i never had any ...

eat..crisp that i am...fate, eat me coz i don't mean a thing...twist and churn.. twirl my insides... let the blood breath in gasps ... let the bones crush my intestines and make a meaningless mass of a meaningless ME ...

hold on..trust .. hold on... hold me by my wrist coz then i will know that it won't slip... hold me by my waist coz then i'll know that u r close and real... hold me and let me hold u ... do to me what u do to all those who laugh and live ... i am not loosing out... not like this

don't tell me that i am tough coz i know i am not... don't want me as what i am not... i have my moments.. i want a release .. choke me so that i feel the release when it comes my way...

HUG me life... or let me hug you.. let me caress ur tender arms... i love u life... i love u as i have never loved anyone... so i am not weak.. i will live up to you.. i will make u feel that i feel you ... i will enjoy my moments ... relish my minutes... savour my thoughts... with fire in my belly...i shall take over wht i want ...

no peace...yet (and it better not be)

...for Her!

i used to write for myself before i found "her"... (these words, again, are intended to be scribbled with a lingering touch of loneliness) ..have got used to writing for her now!

...its a new feeling, a new world for me...("new?!?!").. and i enjoy it.. the memories, rather replays of the moments i have lived earlier...it make for a fantastic feeling to live them again in day dreams and reveries...

but during those moment of reality, where i didn't have the support of the knowledge that "after all the bad days are over", the feeling wasn't as good....

u remember all those turbulent times not letting you live happily?!, and...a dream being relegated back into a more distant dream... those windy city nights of nervous self conflicts, of course happy ones too...those cycle rides to yet again act upon the decision u had failed to act upon innumerable number of times...those cold, numb and exciting mornings for yet another look, rather yet JUST another look...

you have come a long way...may be you have just lived.. and now you WANT to live...not by default but by choice...

not for vaguness but... for HER!

spell.... bound

.

...i wud have just cast a spell or two ... on one of these nights when u roam around awake....nocturnal that u are!
u are sitting at a door step of a dream....sleeping might just be a crime...

coz at times "too much is never enough" ..

( hittin hard ... and holding tight... i shud have thought of blackouts and butterflies..

smile)

.

...missing

....lately a strange feeling has come over me.....something seems missing the moment i realize that u r not around....
and then, vaguness crawls over my rationality .....like a python... ready to live the most joyous day of its life.....may be...its like a lacuna.... may be i am getting habitual to having u around me......hahaha...

theres a kind of warmth in my room, it seems that my room is tryin to comfort me...knowin that im missin u a lot and that 'he' is the only frnd i can talk to and he is the only one who can.... say... sit and chat with me over a drink or smthng...

have written a lot of things on the walls...one of them is "AWAY IS A BAD WORD"... more words like..."don't change the rules...change the game"....."loudest silences are the once filled with everythng thats been said..."

..it keeps adding up...

...that moment

yes... i did get carried away...

but it was a light headed...light footed feeling , that left me wondering..
and smiling,
and smiling again..
..and then wondering.... and then i cud laugh and dance and go round and round and round... wihout noticing for a single moment that after all IT IS CRAZY....

don't i have a better word or a better rendering of that thought, that made my life complete for those few moments,
and then as if they.....those moments.. were more than enough even if i went on to have nothingness as my sole counterpart for the rest of my life...

...to you

and so i'm on the road again.....the journey continues from here...the road is a little different one. its not a desert after all, this time...its shady.....with sunshine getting seived through the half dried leaves...

...i see a flower sometimes.....there is a brook on one side....don't feel like running anymore...i'm taking my own time, not walking on any set line...
its a beautiful way...leads me to home...what a beautiful way...i can walk here all my life just knowing where does it lead me ...

to you....